2018-2-14 – My Bloody Valentine

All around me there feels to be limitation.  It is a thing I have hated for years on end.  To have been denied the Love for so many, many years, to have reached out over and over again only to be ignored or rebuked, has been an imprisonment of the most subtle and enduring kind, trapped within the splintered mirror of the Self.

Healing this wound has been the entire point of the Journey Home, to find a way to discover the causal roots of our circumstance and somehow change them so that the terrible conditions of limitation vanish at last.  It has not been easy, no one wants to experience rejection, limitation, an inability to remember the Ideas that come to them, a constant hammering on their nervous system and the equally constant effort to change one’s attitude towards it in the hopes of somehow making it transform into something better.

I have hated it.  Deeply.  Begrudgingly scouring my Self as best I could given the ongoing assault of limitation to my consciousness to discover the source of the distortion and working to clear it.  Such has been the underlying movement of the journey deeper into the Mythica, into freedom from the limitations that have plagued my existence.

Even now, as I strive to write this entry, something pushes against me.  An insistent gravity trying to pull me down into confusion.  Breaking up my thoughts.  Causing the forgetfulness of what would lead me forward.  Such is the prison, wrought within the very subconscious of the Self.  That which must somehow be shattered in order to be FREE from it’s terrible influence.  I witness, in the most basic of ways, the inconstancy in my ability to even REMEMBER what it is I need to do.  The inconstancy in support from the ‘outer’ experience.  The tight feeling within my body.  The frustration.  All wrapped into a blanket of isolation, loneliness and denied Love.  And while I do recognize the appearance of avatars like Savannah, like Milou, Angela  and Dakota as aspects of that Love, such things are brief moments of Light through the clouds of what is otherwise a decades-long incarceration into the cage of limitation and scarcity, where I have fought, endlessly, to free myself.

Even now it hurts.  Even now, pressure moves through my nervous system, and I must gird myself, yet again, to face the prison.  I witness as it’s relentless assault burns me from the inside, and note (not for the first time) that I must somehow find a way to LOVE it, to Love the opportunity to face these things, to Love what I have endured simply because when I do not LOVE it, it repeats, a karmic trap of the finest and most sublime cruelty.

I breathe in.  Reminding myself, *again* of how many accomplishments I have made in freeing myself from the prison of limitation.  How the Mythica is together and coming online.  How I have managed to survive the beatdown by the Universe and become tempered.  How there is just enough money to feed Yeshua and I in the account as other bills are in arrears.  As the limitation relentlessly hammers at my nervous system and tears me up from within, I do my best to invoke that which I created the Mythica for, to remind myself (and others) that despite this, God is Good.  That there IS A WAY OUT if we do the work.

This morning, Yeshua opened a page from Vishali’s book, in which she repeats the same invocation over and over again, that we must LOVE the circumstance in order for it to dissolve.  Taking that as a sign from a supportive Universe *despite* what I have had to endure in this purgatory, I focus my attentions into the body, in effort to Love What Is, in the hopes of transforming it and freeing myself from the prison once and for all.


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